Naughty Granny

I saw this photo and just started laughing. Found out the photo came from another blogger and after reading their entire blog entry I just had to share. Below is a excerpt from the blog regarding this photo. You can read the full blog entry at Brain Debris.

 

“While not provocative, this photo did bring up several questions. 1. WHAT is she willing to knit for sex? Is she giving away swatches or sweaters? Does it depend on the requested act? Do men who provide merino alpaca blend get “bonuses”?Maybe she’s knitting patterns from Naughty Needles or DomiKNITrix. 2. Why is the man behind her so enthusiastic? Is he her pimp or is he just finally glad he’s figured out how to get her to HAVE sex? Notice the lip prints on his shirt? HMMMMM. 3. Who is the slightly inebriated looking gentleman with his dirty hands on gramma? Maybe he’s the infomercial guy and the man in the back is the testimonial happy customer. Maybe he’s an alpaca farmer and is throwing her this party for increasing his profits through her innovative entrepreneurship. 4. How long does it take her to knit for sex? She better be using Addi-turbos if she’s got a high sex drive! 5. Why is she advertising on a paper cone hat? Couldn’t she knit one? 6. Does this mean that we know what all the little old men wearing scarves have been doing? Is the length of the scarf indicative of anything? 7. Is this why so many elderly ladies take up knitting? I thought it might be because they needed something to do while waiting for the Viagra to kick in. At the very least I thought the needles would be a great deterrent. Seems not so much!”

Knitter’s Proverbs and Sayings

We’ve all heard them. Those classic proverbs and sayings like, ‘a penny saved is a penny earned’. Well, I wondered how some of these saying would go if it was a knitter who first spoke them. Below are some classic sayings reworked in a way I’m sure all knitters will understand.

If at first you don’t succeed. . . hide the evidence in the back of the closet and pretend like you never knitted it.

The early bird. . . gets the last 3 skeins of discontinued yarn on Jimmybeanswool.com

Early to bed. . . early to VooDoo Donuts before Sock Summit.

A penny saved. . .means you’re one cent closer to getting that Cashmere/Mink blend you’ve been drooling over.

You can’t party with the sinners and . . . not learn the effects of drunk knitting the next day.

If the shoe fits. . . buy it and knit a pair of socks to go with it.

You only live once. . . so buy the yarn now. You may not be around for the sale.

Beauty is in the eye. . . of the knitter who just spent a month knitting that sweater for you. So put it on and say thank you or you’ll never get another birthday gift from them- EVER!

A fool and his money. . . will soon find his house taken over by his wife’s ever growing yarn stash.

Better to have loved and lost. . . then to have wasted good yarn knitting him a sweater.

All roads lead. . . to a great little yarn shop.

Curiosity killed the cat. . . and yarn was spun with the fur off his back!

What does not kill you. . .only makes your kitchener stitch even stronger.

Time heals all. . . remaining guilt from your last yarn shopping spree.

Nothing last forever. . . except Red Heart Super Saver Yarn.

A wise man knows. . . to give his wife the credit card and don’t ask questions.

If you can’t say something nice. . . stitch it in duplicate stitch.

You’re nobody. . . ’till you’ve got a fan group on Ravelry.

Behind every great man. . . is a happy knitter.

Money can’t buy you love . . . but it can buy a Starbucks frappuccino and several skeins of alpaca yarn.

What goes up. . . can usually be fixed by adding a three-inch knitted border to the hem. 

If  life is a highway. . . make sure to pack plenty of yarn for the journey.

When life bring you lemons. . . add vodka and sip while knitting.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. . . just use bigger needles next time.

Lovers come and go. . . but good knitting needles last forever.

When faced with a fork in the road, I take the road. . . that has the most yarn shops.

To thine own self be true. . . and let your knitting tell little white lies!

So, That’s All You Do Is Knit?

“So, is that knitting you’re doing?”, asked a lady dressed in a business suite who just sat down across from me at the doctor’s office.

“Why, yes it is.”, I responded.

“Must be some serious stress at work that got you knitting that fast.”

“Oh no, I don’t work. I just really enjoy knitting. The speed just came naturally over time.”

“You don’t work? So, that’s all you do is knit?”

(At this point there are several responses going on in my head that I would like to say to her, but the better part of me says I shouldn’t be rude, so I go with my usual response):

“Well, I’m also a dedicated housewife and do my best to take care of my family.”

“Must be nice to not have to do anything with your life.”

(Yes, I know what you are thinking and despite the fact we were in a doctor’s office and she would recieve immediate medical attention, I still felt it would be inappropriate to stab her with my knitting needle. Besides, I was knitting with wool. Do you realize how hard it is to get blood stains out of wool? No, I refrained myself and simply responded):

“Yes, it is very nice.”

I’ve had my share of people stating that same question, “So, that’s all you do is knit?”, as if such a thing was impossible to wrap one’s brains around. Of course that’s not all I do. But it is something I do a lot and surprisingly it a skill that many people- both in the past and present- have been able to do as a full-time profession.

Since I’m way too nice to say to people what I really want to say, I’ll share my thoughts with you on how I really would like to respond to the question, “So, that’s all you do is knit?” (Please feel free to add your own responses to the list):

“So, that’s all you do is knit?”

– No, I occasionally poop and pee too!

– Yes, because it keeps me from biting strangers.

– No. I also know how to kill people and hide the bodies.

– Yes, or the people in my head start to get really angry if I don’t.

– No. In my spare time I’m also working on a cure for people who ask stupid questions.

– Yes. It was either this or give blowjobs for a living.

– No. This is just a part-time gig. My true profession is underwater basket weaving.

– Yes, but only because it’s a requirement for being a part of the witness protection program.

– No. I also like to count how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop.

– Yes. but I only do it until the Prozac kicks in.

– No. I my spare time I’m also practicing to become a professional masturbator.

(Sidenote- I’m cracking up over the search tags I’ve added for this posting. Google search engine is going to look at this and go WTF!)