Yarn Molester

Scene: In the yarn section of a major craft store.

Boy Toy and Liver Chick are checking out the yarn selection. Liver Chick reaches out for a skein of yarn and holds it in her hand.

Boy Toy: What are you doing?

Liver Chick: Looking at this yarn to see if I want to buy it.

Boy Toy: No, I mean, what are you doing with your fingers?

Liver Chick: What? I’m just touching it.

Boy Toy: No, that is not what you’re doing. You’re fingering the yarn.

Liver Chick: I’m not fingering the yarn.

Boy Toy: Yes you are. You just grabbed the yarn and then stuck your fingers in the little side holes.

Liver Chick: I’m just feeling how soft it is.

Boy Toy: It does not take sticking your finger in the hole to find out how soft the yarn is.

Liver Chick: Well, that’s just how I do it.

Boy Toy: Stop moving your fingers in and out of the yarn like that. People will think you’re some sort of yarn pervert or something.

Liver Chick: I’m not a yarn…

Boy Toy: That’s what you are aren’t you? You’re a yarn molester. You come inside stores and molest poor innocent yarns.

Liver Chick: No, I do not molest yarn. I just like to touch them.

Boy Toy: Admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

Liver Chick: Whatever.

Boy Toy: Don’t ‘whatever’ me. I’m not the one that’s going to get YPS called on me.

Liver Chick: YPS?

Boy Toy: Yarn Protective Services. You keep molesting yarn like that you’re going to get caught. And then you’ll be labeled as a yarn predator and we’ll have to move and change our names.

Liver Chick: But what if I buy the yarn and take it home and molest it?

Boy Toy: Then you’re just paying for services. So the truth comes out now. All this time while I’ve been hard at work you’ve been cruising down yarn aisles looking for yarn one-night stands and knitting quickies. Is this what our marriage has come to? You having affairs with yarn behind my back?

Liver Chick: Yes. And I’ve also been sneaking around and seeing cross stitch and bobbin lace on the side as well. What can I say, I’m a fiber nympho.

Boy Toy: I don’t even know you anymore.

Liver Chick: I must say, I’m impressed over how you managed to turn my knitting into sex.

Boy Toy: It’s a gift.

Liver Chick: Well, if you remember, we’re here shopping for yarn for the hat you wanted me to knit you.

Boy Toy: I already got the yarn. Its in the cart and I didn’t have to finger it to find the one I like.

Liver Chick: Well good. You can go pay for everything. If you need me, I’ll be in the other aisle fondling stiff thick rods in the knitting needle and crochet hook section.

Boy Toy: Pervert.

Liver Chick: Yes, and that‘s why you married me.


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